Once I finally got into bed last night (or really this morning), it was about 6am. The past 48 hours seemed like one very long day to me, and I was happy to finally make it to bed. I woke up at around 2pm, since today was an off day for the Afghans and there wasn't a whole lot we could do today. Most of the camp is off on Fridays, as is represented by the number of computers with people sitting at them, and the number of people in the gym and other facilities around here today.
I didn't do much today, but did load some software on the Mac laptops that Capt Gerst had turned into Windows last night. These laptops are very basic, and we might have some issues with importing video into them. As with everything else we're doing here, we'll look into ways of making them work. I did a little more scouting of the back room in our office, and talked to Chris about how we can get it set up. I'm thinking of getting some paint and really making it look nice. It needs to be cleaned up real good, but once that's done it will be a good video editing suite for us to train in.
I probably did more reflecting about myself today than any other day I've been here. [Since I really have nothing else to write about today we'll go with this.] Even during my bad day (or days), I don't think I thought about as much as I thought about today. Life is funny. I look back at so many things I've seen and done over the past 20 years and wonder how I got here. I think about who I am and who I used to be, and have to smile and be proud of how much I've changed. I had to go through so much to finally realize how horrible of a person I used to be, and accept responsibility for why no one around me seemed to care for me much. I know, I know...there are probably some out there that still feel the same way. I can't do anything about that. It is what it is. Through a little adversity comes great things, as I often tell my friends who struggle with their own issues with work, home, and family. I almost lost everything, and it's a good thing I realized it was time to grow up and change my ways before I did. It took me much longer than most I imagine, but as long as it happens sometime while you're still breathing, you have to think that's a good thing.
Truth and trust within yourself and in those around you is more important than I ever realized today as I sat and really reflected on my life and everything in it. You really have to know how I used to be to fully understand all the things I'm about to say. In short, I was a selfish bastard who cared about no one but myself. My wife, my kids, my friends, my family...there were no exceptions. I was all about me. I almost lost everything that was important to me before I realized I had to make some changes. Once I started to change and realize I was the cause of all my own problems that consistently happened over the years, things changed for me. God blessed me with the ability to see myself for who I really was, and allowed me to accept a hard truth about myself. Everything that happened bad in my life was my fault, and I was the only one who could change it. Only I could grow up and pull my life back together.
Looking at things the way I do now is interesting and different for me though. I see things much clearer than I used to, and often find myself seeing people who remind me of the person I used to be. "That guy is making an ass of himself," I would think, right before I realized that I used to do things just like that person. It's a hard burden to bear; to know that for years I would embarrass myself and those around me by being the way I was. It's different now though because I'm able to recognize things and see them so much more clearly than before. It's the same with being able to see the truth and be able to trust people. It's a great feeling to know who you are and be true to yourself. It's another thing to be able to trust those around you. Having been the way I was in the past, I can't help but wonder how many other people around me are currently that way. You always catch yourself looking into people's motives - wondering why they say and do the things they do. You catch someone in a lie, and no matter how much you want to believe them, you find yourself questioning things until you realize that maybe they are telling the truth. Or maybe they aren't. It's the not knowing that kills you. I'm always observing people. I'm always listening to people. I see so much more than what most people think I see, and I hear so much more than what most people think I hear. I find myself studying people; their actions, their movements, their eyes, their voices...breaking down what they say and analyzing every word to try and find truth to their words. Just trying to find out who they are without having to ask. In Afghanistan, it's hard not to be that way, as you never know who the Afghan man is in front of you and where his loyalties lie. I just have a unique desire to know people I guess; to know what they think, to know how they feel, to know how they work.
I try to instill truth and trust in my kids now. I want them to always tell me the truth and be able to trust me enough and feel comfortable enough to talk to me about the tough things in their lives. It's easy to think that they understand, and you're always hopeful that your kids look up to you enough to believe and hang on every word you say. With adults it's alot different, in that, there are so many more variables involved in things that are said and done. Too often our motives or hidden agendas cause us to mislead or deceive others, as we're not as innocent as we used to be when we were kids. I battled with my own demons for years, and sometimes still do. Early in my career, I would do things for the wrong reasons because I was always was looking for that award or medal. I'd volunteer for things not to help others, but for my own personal gain. Was it because I was young? Maybe. That still doesn't make it right. As luck would have it, I was very successful in my career as a young Airman, and my motives to continue doing things were fueled by that success for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've always been a hard worker and good at what I do, but my outlook on why I would do all the extra things was not the way it should've been. Essentially, I was all about me and no one else, as I've already said.
Today, I sit here between two six foot pieces of plywood looking at a monitor sitting on a crickety old wooden "desk" that will probably fall apart sometime soon. I'm in a place where the people don't have much; no money, no knowledge, no skills. I'm thankful that my outlook on life has changed and I've grown up enough to not be the man I used to be. It's not all about me anymore, and I'm thankful for the opportunities I have here to share my knowledge with the Afghan people and provide them with the tools to succeed in their own lives. Had I not grown up and changed my ways, what kind of person would I be here for them right now? I don't know. I just have to be thankful for all the things I've been through in my life that made me realize I needed to change. I like the person I've become. I like the way I see life now, and like how much I love being a part of it. I'm thankful for all the people who have been with me along the way, and stood by my side during the bad times when my inner-demons completely overwhelmed and controlled me. Sure, life's still not always going to be easy I know, but at least I know how far I've come and know I don't want to go back to being that person I once was. Knowing is half the battle.
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