Day Eight

Today has been the roughest day by far. I know it's sad to say that already, being that I've only been here for eight days. I got up late...again...and decided to go to the gym, since it's the start of a new week and about time I get in there and do something. The temperature dropped 20 degrees compared to yesterday, so maybe that was the first sign of it being a bad day. I've had so much on my mind lately, both good and bad, that it was very hard for me to get motivated to push any weight around. I flipped through the pages of my workout book that I had kept specific details in during my 6 months of training at home with Omar. I sat on the black flat bench - staring at the nice hole that was in it - thinking to myself, "I need to do this, but why is it that all I want to do is walk out of here right now?" It was very frustrating, struggling with what I knew I needed to do and what I really wanted to do...or not do...at the time. "My mind's not right," I thought, as I put the fifty pound dumbbells over my head and tried to pretend Omar was standing over me not letting me quit like he had done so many times during our training. I did four sets of dumbbell presses and three sets of thirty pound dumbbell flyes - at the weight I left off at during my last session with Omar. I was surprised to be able to do that, after almost two months off from the gym, but even that didn't motivate me. After that, I just couldn't find it in me to continue. Sure, I did two sets of 12 dips on my way out the door, but I just quit nonetheless...and without hesitation.

I wish I could put my finger on what it is that's troubling me inside. I have so many things on my mind. Is it the job? Is it the lack of equipment in the gym? Is it just life in general for me right now? Is it other things I'm thinking about? It's very frustrating - for someone who is normally very motivated - to feel like this. I just don't feel normal, and it's not just because of being in this place so far away from home. Something's different inside me, and I need to figure out what it is. I can feel my normal positive energy leaving me, and a negative energy filling me. I'm not that way. I can't let it get that way. I can't have an "I just don't care" attitude...and that's where I'm headed. As disappointed as I am in myself for quitting in the gym this morning, I just don't care and have no desire to go back. WOW. Just the fact that I even typed that scares me a little. But, I'm keeping this real, right? What is going on with me?

I left the gym and headed over to the office to see what was going on. Of course, there was nothing happening, as usual. I pulled a container of food out of the fridge that I had put in there the night before, and sat down to eat it. I watched Roseanne on my computer as I ate, hoping that at least THAT could pull me out of the funk I was in. It didn't. I watched two episodes, checked e-mail again, then went to my room to finish watching Dexter Season Four. Of course, paying $12 for a box set of DVDs comes with its own risks...the set only had eight of the twelve episodes in it. I really have to go back to that place to get the final four episodes. Just when it was starting to get good. Damn it.

I went back to the office and didn't find much going on there...again. Sandy, our Public Affairs Officer and a civilian, came in to tell us that our ANA's were back from their road trip. Initial excitement set in, as I thought I might finally get to start training them a little earlier than expected. Of course, that excitement died as Sandy proceeded to tell us that the ANA's are about to go through an exercise that will last the next two weeks. Does that mean that I have to sit here for ANOTHER two weeks and do nothing because they aren't available to train? Probably. We'll find out more tomorrow about their availability, and our potential to train them during this exercise. Frustrating.

Dinner was ok. Surprisingly, the food is pretty good for the most part. There always seems to be a decent variety to choose from, and I can make a diet plan around most of what they have there. Some days the salad bar is replaced with other things, but most days it's there, and that's a good thing for me. Again, it's the desserts that get me, but I've been pretty good with that the last couple days. Maybe someone heard about my liking for lemon cake and how I really needed to stay away from it, because I haven't seen any lately. The shiny blue packaging of Rice Krispie Treats have caught my attention however, and those little "Snap, Crackle, Pop" guys have made their way into my office more than a few times. Oh well...I'll develop some sort of self-control eventually I'm sure.

As far as the training mission outside the wire goes, I received alot of feedback via e-mail and on facebook. I think the thing I heard that had the most impact on me, was to not make any decisions on whether or not to put myself into a potentially dangerous situation like that while I feel the way I feel right now. When I can even admit to myself that my mind isn't right, how can I decide to go throw myself in the middle of flying bullets, rocket propelled grenades, and suicide bombers? I mean, I'm not sure I would've even been allowed to go (as my role is not to document that stuff - it's to train the ANAs), but I'm probably not in the best shape to make that decision right now even if I was. That's life and death, and I certainly have to have all my wits about me if I'm going to make a decision to do something like that when I don't have to. I'm staying put...for now. It certainly makes me realize how much respect I have for the guys who don't have that choice though; ones who are given orders daily to go out and put themselves in harm's way. Talk about sacrifices. I, at least, have a choice whether or not to go...this time anyway.

So, I'm going to let my food settle and maybe hit the gym for some cardio time on the treadmill and bike. I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier, but still not quite back to normal. I wish I could put my finger on it really. I have alot on my mind, and certainly have alot of time to think about it all in this place. Maybe a good night's sleep will be good for me - not that I haven't been getting that already. Do I just need a reboot? Am I the bogged down, slow-working computer that just needs to be shut down and restarted in order to make things work right again? Who knows? I'll eventually lay my head on my pillow, click on my own 'shut down' button, and see what happens when I get up to "restart" tomorrow. Right now, that's all I can do. I'll say my prayers tonight, and I know that God will guide my way just like He always has. The one thing I have to remember is that - good or bad - I know all of this is happening for a reason.